


Roxy: Bleed just to know you're alive.

by blueraspberrybubblegum



Series: Lift It Like It's Heavy [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Black Romance, Blood, Epic Family Reunion, F/F, F/M, Frottage, M/M, Pale Romance, Prank Wars, Red Romance, Shenanigans, Sloppy Makeouts, Strip Poker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-04
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-28 05:58:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueraspberrybubblegum/pseuds/blueraspberrybubblegum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><div class="center">
  <p>In which an Epic Family Reunion devolves into make outs, prank wars, and shenanigans.<br/>* * *<br/>Featuring:<br/>John Egbert<br/>and<br/>Roxy Lalonde</p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Survivors: Unite.

You step on the transportalizer platform and have to squeeze your eyes shut. Jane comes too quickly behind you and knocks you off balance. She’s all over you apologizing for spilling your drink, but she should know you could bounce down a flight of stairs and still have a full glass at the bottom. It’s a matter of years of practice, but more importantly, it’s a matter of knowing your priorities. You shrug off your bestie’s apologies and link elbows to help each other off the platform.

As your eyes adjust, you search the dark for faces.

In the foreground is a girl with long, dark hair and enormous glasses. She’s on her knees with her sylladex spread out in front, talking over her shoulder to a boy with his hands in his pockets who has to be Dirk’s bro. Something he says makes her laugh out loud and his mouth bends in the ghost of a smile.

Farther back, your alt teen mom is sitting on a ratty couch with a dusky-skinned girl. The couch looks so out of place in the dirty gloom of the meteor that you’re sure they dragged it out here just to watch the show. On closer inspection, the stranger has two slender, lethal-looking horns. Hurrah, a troll! They’re leaning into each other and you just know they’re talking about you.

Dirk comes through last. He’s got this obnoxiously sweet complex where he gets all protective. Like a lodestone, he turns to find Jake, who has made a beeline for a tall boy in blue across the way. A boy who could be Jake’s twin. You watch Dirk watch Jake and regret again that he’s off limits.

A girl should be allowed to thank her shining knight. Even if he would have done it for anybody.

You take a sip and turn to ask Jane anything but she’s already freeing herself from your elbow and skipping over to the blue boy. She thrusts out her hand in introduction. He recoils in surprise momentarily before lifting her, squealing, in a bear hug. That must be Jane’s poppop – good for her.

He has to be stronger than he looks. Jane is almost as tall as her ecto-progeny and here he is, swinging her around like a kid. Not like Dirk, who’s built like a panther; just a baby-faced boy growing into his body. Certainly Jake was never this charmingly and unguardedly sprawled across his adolescence.

You take another sip and decide to wander over to the couch.

* * *

Roxy: yo mom

Rose: Hello yourself. You’re looking tipsy today. When did you start drinking?

Roxy: gimme a sec to chew on that thinker

Rose: Please, take all the time you need.

Roxy: hush now calm ur tits

Roxy: 12

Rose: You started drinking at noon?

Roxy: 12yo

Roxy: slap that scanlalized look off ur face and innroduce me to your exotic ladyfriend

Kanaya: I am Kanaya

Roxy: hi kenya!

Kanaya: Nice To Meet You

Kanaya: Please Excuse Me

Roxy: too much lalonde for one troll i guess

Rose: She’s going to bring up a coffee table so your drink will have a safe place to land when it gets tired of flying around willy-nilly. How have you managed not to spill it yet?

Roxy: i have exclelent balance mudder dear

Roxy: thanks to hells of wading fuck deep in meowcats

Roxy: one misstep and all of the sudden youre covered in cuddles and black fuzz

Rose: I don’t feel particularly maternal. I think I would prefer it if you called me Rose.

Roxy: you got it rosie

Roxy: rose is a nice name

Roxy: a flower or somethin how did i come up with that one

Roxy: anyways my names roxy

Rose: Nice to meet you, Roxy. Please make yourself comfortable.

Roxy: soooooo

Roxy: give me the deets on kenya

Rose: Kanaya is my girlfriend.

Roxy: now were cooking with petrol!!

Roxy: where are the other trolols at

Roxy: theres supposed to be a fuck ton right

Rose: There are four here on the meteor. Dave is seeing the other girl, Terezi. The boys are Karkat and Gamzee. Gamzee’s a little unpredictable, so I think Karkat wanted to keep him out of the way. They’re making dinner.

Roxy: wheres trezi then

Rose: Probably keeping the Mayor company. Wait, here she comes. She’s the one with the cane talking to Dave.

Roxy: holy shit is that her foice or m i chewing on ice cubeb

Rose: That’s just how she laughs. You’ll get used to it.

Roxy: so if dave is dirks bro then whos the hootie with the locks next door to im

Rose: That would be Jade. Judging by the resemblance, I suspect the gentleman talking to John is her grandfather. What’s his name?

Roxy: mr jake english, conquerer of templeps and breaker of hearts

Roxy: so the blue kid is john

Roxy: do u ever call him johnny or is it just vanilla as fuck john

Roxy: HEY JOHNNY BOIIIII!!!

Rose: I don’t think he can hear you. Thanks, Kanaya.

Kanaya: Not A Problem

Kanaya: I Made Us Some Drinks While I Was Downstairs

Rose: How thoughtful. We can all be sloshed together. Roxy, are you ready for another one?

Roxy: rdy n winning

Rose: Cheers, ladies.

* * *

Your first sip of what you thought was a tequila sunrise turned into a spit take, much to Kanaya’s confusion and Rose’s polite amusement.

Jade joins you on the couch after repacking her sylladex, turning down a drink with a look on her face like she could live without ever seeing another pumpkin screwdriver. The couch wasn’t meant to hold four, which means that you are squished at the hips for a minute until Kanaya scoots into Rose’s lap. The statuesque troll slouches and curls and throws her legs over the armrest to be less loom-ey.

Jade’s eyes are almost the same color as Jake’s, just paler and more earnest, which hurts your heart just a little. She’s gushing nostalgically about growing up on a deserted island with no one but her dog and her taxidermied grandpa and all her friends on Prospit and you glean that she’s the type who keeps the world at bay by upping the wattage on her demeanor. She’s dog-eared in more ways than one; under her non-stop chatter lurks a profound emotional exhaustion that’s legible in the lines around her eyes when she smiles.

As Jade’s monologue washes over you, you find yourself watching Jane with the blue boy. They’re clutching hands and talking over each other; Jane is on her tiptoes and John looks like he is afraid to blink. They’re grinning like maniacs while Jake just lurks helplessly.

He catches your eye, so you rescue him with one crooked finger. Of course, when he reaches the couch, it’s Jade he’s after. Jake greets her as an old friend and before you know it they’re caught up in a riptide of mutual history.

After an hour or so, a grouchy troll with nubby horns comes up to announce dinner. Everyone makes their way downstairs in a crowd of laughter and noise. Dave and Dirk put a few more panels in the dining room table, and now everyone is jostling elbows and reaching over each other. You’ve never been so at home than you are in this cacophony of color and noise.

This must be what family feels like.

On your left is Jane, who hasn’t bothered to eat anything on account of how she can’t stop talking to her poppop John. Across from you are Dave, fork lashing out to steal bites from Karkat’s plate just to hear him rage, and Terezi, who keeps trying to feed Dave and missing. Terezi is blind but it doesn’t stop her from licking your proffered palm and addressing you as L1TTL3 M1SS STR4WB3RRY SHORTC4K3. Your Strider sense tells you Dave’s rolling his eyes behind his dark glasses. Does she even know who Strawberry Shortcake is?

You reach for the key lime pie, but Karkat catches your eye and shakes his head. Gamzee’s eaten a third of it so far and it looks like he’s about to make it an even half. You suppose you’d rather have pumpkin anyway.

* * *

You’re teetering to the kitchen to refuel when suddenly Dirk’s in the way. He steers you around the corner, and your gulp comes out sounding suspiciously like a hiccup.

Roxy: omfg dirk i been so good u dont even no

Dirk: How much have you had to drink tonight, Roxy?

Roxy: not too much!

Roxy: not ennuf

Dirk: I think you should take a breather. What the fuck are you trying to prove? That you can out-drink Rose? I think anyone on this meteor can do that, including the tiny blind chick.

Roxy: i need to be at least 2x this drunk to watch my mothmer make out w/ an aliesiban

Roxy: *alien *lesiban

Dirk: Roxy.

Dirk: You were hitting on the mayor.

Roxy: whish ones the mayor

Dirk: The carapacian with the sash. The one sitting next to you?

Roxy: oh the chess guy hes nice

Roxy: reninds me of the colony back home

Dirk: Yeah, okay. Look. He’s not your type.

Roxy: hes certainly not tall blond and handsome

Roxy: hellooooo stranger!

Dirk: Get off me, you drunken floozy. I’m not your type either. Why don’t you go talk to Karkat?

Roxy: nubbs?? hes cute but hes not exaxly friendly

Roxy: downright hostile mf’r actually

Roxy: told me 2 shut my grimy pink flap when i asked him a ninocent question

Roxy: and then he called me a bulgebeater n i was like RUDE!!

Dirk: Whatever, fine. What about Gamzee?

Roxy: nnooooooo

Roxy: how about ur bro am i lalowed to lay my wiles on him

Roxy: or is he the fuck OFF LIMITS

Roxy: off limits 3: the untouchable strikes back

Dirk: “Revenge of the Taken.”

Roxy: rolal and the last crusade

Dirk: Do you really want to pick a fight with Terezi? I don’t think you stand a chance.

Dirk: Though I would have purchased my tickets at the presale if I didn’t think it would be a bloodbath.

Roxy: howh ard can it be to gonk a man from a tiny lit girl who talks like cats doin the nastay

Dirk: Dave says she offed a god tier a while back. Believe me, you’re not ready.

Roxy: bluuuuuhhhhh

Roxy: what about the blue guy

Dirk: The blue guy?

Roxy: john

Roxy: slumblerland jammie pants pretty boy

Roxy: totes available m i rite??

Dirk: John? Why not? I doubt Jane has any exclusive plans for him. I think she wants to adopt him.

Dirk: He’s a little goofy for such a tall frosty glass of masculinity, isn’t he? Maybe he’ll grow out of it.

Roxy: his baby face is fuckin adorbs n u know it

Dirk: Nice ass, too.

Roxy: reminds me of a nother fancy boy i know

Dirk: Speaking of Jake, I should go make sure he’s not breaking any more hearts. Including mine.

Dirk: Stay out of trouble, or you will hear from me later. I am not afraid to embarrass you in front of your mother.

Roxy: oh it is ON like DONKEY DONG

Roxy: lmfao!!

Roxy: but srsly dont wreck my chanches with this one plz i like him

Dirk: That’s up to you, isn’t it?

You loiter in the kitchen for a few minutes, plotting and fiddling with your hair. You fix yourself a new drink, this time without a drop of liquor.

* * *

By the time you get back, Jake and Jade have their guns out and they’re showing off for each other. They haven’t been drinking, but Jade can apparently stop bullets in midair, so their aim is getting a little cavalier. The room erupts in cheers when Karkat drags them out by the hair.

Dirk, Dave, and Gamzee are holding a rap-off, with Terezi Pyrope Esq. presiding. At her right hand sits your new friend the mayor. You find yourself a little jealous of this tiny badass boy magnet and promise to make friends with her later. She will be the Duchess Ravenwaves to your Lady Lovelylocks and your animosity will be written in the stars.

Except that, from the way she’s shitting on the towering troll’s terrible rhymes, she’s already got a black crush brewing. Motherfucker.

Rose and Kanaya are nowhere to be found, which is for the best. For a while there the PDA quotient of the room was directly proportionate to your alt teen mom’s blood alcohol level.

You sit down across from Jane and John, your best friend and her long-lost brother, who turn their gorgeous blue eyes on you. Jane is flushed with delight and all a-glitter. You thought John’s eyes would be robin’s egg, like Jane’s, but to your surprise, they’re jewelbright cerulean. He’s happy but looks a bit worn around the edges. You suspect he might be ready for someone to take him off Jane’s hands.

Jane: Hello, darling! You look marvelous!

Roxy: shush u flatteter

Roxy: u gonna introduce me janey girl

Jane: Sorry! This is my poppop John.

John: i’m too young to be a grandfather! my name’s john, what’s your name?

Roxy: roxy lalonde, elite haxxor babe extradordinaier

John: pleased to meet you, roxy! you must be rose’s mom.

Roxy: oh nonononono

Roxy: if youre too goung to be a grampa then i sure as shit dont got 2 be roses mom

Roxy: besides where i come from shes my mom

Roxy: which is not a thing i got my headaround yet

John: there’s no way rose raised you, unless alt mom rose is really well adjusted or something.

John: you’re too… normal.

Jane: What’s that supposed to mean?

John: well, look at her!

John: if she was rose’s daughter she’d be a tangled ball of yarn and paranoia.

John: no corner of her subconscious would be unexamined. she’d be permanently exposed, like a biology class anatomy poster.

John: i guess you don’t know rose like i do, so you’ll have to trust me on this one!

Roxy: im right here and for ur informoration my mom went afk b4 i was ever hatched

John: see, what did i tell you? way too happy to be rose spawn.

John: though the hatching thing is weirdly close to the mark!

Jane: Don’t let her fool you. Underneath that coarsely effervescent personality lies a hard-boiled cave woman who survived the end of the world by pickling herself in alcohol.

Jane: It always made a weird sort of sense to me that she turned out to be the Hero of Void, considering she spent most of her childhood building elaborate escapist fantasies.

Jane: Not that I blame her.

Jane: I would turn to drink too if I grew up on a raft in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, a thousand miles from the nearest human being and hundreds of years after the collapse of civilization.

Roxy: omfg i am RIGTH HERE you buttmuffin

Roxy: and it wasnt a faft it was a floaty chess ppl colony

Roxy: *ppl

John: wow, that’s kind of a bummer.

John: what does a void player do?

Roxy: uhhh

Roxy: hide + sneak +

Roxy: motsly run away :(

Jane: Eeek! Roxy, that’s freezing cold!

Roxy: oh jane im sooo soryy!!!

Roxy: the asshat is me :o

Jane: I have to get cleaned up, my shirt’s sopping wet. Keep her out of trouble for me, will you, John?

John: you got it!

John: so! roxy lalonde.

Roxy: so johnny looks like its just the 2 of us

John: yep!

John: you know, i saw rose’s mom once, from far away.

John: i mean the mom she grew up with. alt mom roxy.

John: she looked just like you, and she had a long pink scarf the same color as your eyes.

Roxy: was she pretty?

John: beautiful!

Roxy: then why the eff diddnt you go talk to her!

John: well, she was… she was on a date.

Roxy: a date!!! SWOOOOON

John: with my dad.

John: oh my gosh, don’t look so horrified! they were perfect together.

Roxy: were being the opperatife term i guess

Roxy: so what happened to the happy couple

John: jack. jack happened.

Roxy: that icecold motherfuther murders errbody

Roxy: he got me too

Roxy: his miles i mean

Roxy: and janey lost her dad an the batterwitch got my mom

Roxy: makes u wonder how much of this bs was inelvitible

John: honestly…

John: as much as i miss my dad, i wouldn’t fix it if i could.

John: i think he knew it was going to happen, and he deliberately chose how he wanted to spend his last few hours.

John: maybe they were in love?

John: who am i to screw up their moment with some misguided heroics.

Roxy: i totes get that feel but john its not a movie were in

Roxy: its a game

Roxy: the thing about games is u dont have to follow the script

Roxy: espescially if ur a foxy coder beyotch like meeee

Roxy: robbin hood would kill for these nimbile fingers

John: and yet, even sexy hackstresses apparently can’t escape the miles.

John: who brought you back?

Roxy: distri!!!!

Roxy: hes my hero i tried to get him to wear sbandex but he wont do it for love nor boonbucks

John: dave’s bro? are you guys…?

Roxy: me and dirk? lol nup

Roxy: he put the big red fuck no stamp on that one

Roxy: didnt even let it in the door just stuck his hand out the mail slot thingy

Roxy: and flipped me the brid for xtra emphasis

Roxy: wow boys thx 4 proving my point in the hootest posisible way

John: what did i miss?

Roxy: dont turn around unless ur down w public displays of gay

John: wow, that’s some… manlove tier makeouts.

John: most of the bromance we get around here involves karkat and gamzee holding hands and talking about their feelings. it’s so cute when karkat goes all pg, hehe!

John: ah. are they always like this?

Roxy: nope cuz

Roxy: (they don like to make a scene in front of jane)

John: i suddenly understand jack shit.

John: so, um, roxy…

Roxy: hmmmmmmmm???

John: can we go somewhere else?

Roxy: what u dont wana watch two dudes get their slobber on

Roxy: one of which is practically ur twinkie…

John: …and the other being dave’s inscrutable aged-down ninja bro?

John: no, i really don’t.

Roxy: then f yes lets blow this bicicle stand


	2. Roxy: Be a bad influence.

The first room is full of Terezi and Gamzee, who are engaged in a kind of necking that involves crashing noises and broken furniture. John pulls a face and leads you to the next room, where Rose and Kanaya are passed out on the couch. John doesn’t have a problem with Rose’s snoring, but you do, so you drag him to the far door with all haste.

This room is mercifully empty. Empty of other people, that is. What it’s full of is Rose’s still and enough liquor to kill an army. You’re playing on your own turf. All you want is a spiral staircase and lavish ball gown to cement your complete and total control of the situation.

You graciously invite John to take a seat while you whip something up.

John: are you sure we should be drinking this stuff?

Roxy: heck yes we should!

Roxy: im sure rose can find it in her kind and genrerous heart to share

John: yeah, but…

Roxy: if we drink it theres less for her to get sick on l8r

Roxy: were practically herohs

John: i’m more worried about you. you’ve been drinking all night!

Roxy: non sense ive been drunk for years

Roxy: see im pouring this one half mt r u happy

Roxy: olive?

John: i guess?

John: yuck! what is this?

Roxy: a martini? u never had a martini

John: nope!

Roxy: let me itnorduce you

Roxy: john this is my good friend martini

Roxy: martini darling the handsome gent about to imbimbe you goes by the name of john

Roxy: cheers!!

John: cheers!

You gleefully watch him take a second sip with both hands smothering the glass. He is trying so hard not to embarrass himself that you just kind of go all to crumbs.

You sip your drink and don’t pull a face even though it’s basically straight vodka. He’ll never know.

John: i’m a little worried about dave.

Roxy: uh huh isnt he seein trezi?

John: yeah, that’s what i’m worried about.

Roxy: if daves anything like his bro

Roxy: which is to say a moody asshole ninja dramma queen

Roxy: then shell get what her chearting heart deserves

John: that’s just it! she’s not cheating on him. in fact, by troll standards, she’s just doing her job!

Roxy: that doesnt make a ninch a sense

John: it’s complicated. umm…

John: do you know anything about troll romance?

Roxy: lil bit

John: okay, i’ll try to explain.

John: instead of having a single soul mate, like humans do, trolls can have a few. they can have someone they love and someone they hate.

Roxy: yesyes blackrom i kno this

Roxy: god i miss callie

John: who’s callie?

Roxy: only like my best friend

John: i thought you were jane’s best friend?

Roxy: how many besties u got then smartass

John: um… at least three?

Roxy: omg hahaha ok pls finish your exposition before i say somesing stupid

John: heh, alright.

John: so a troll can have a soul mate who’s his best friend, and one that’s his rival, and one that’s his wife or whatever. each one fills a quadrant in this crazy shipping diagram.

John: troll society encourages them to try to fill all their quadrants, it’s like a biological imperative. the platonic quadrants keep everyone happy and the sexy quadrants keep the wigglers coming.

Roxy: trezi and gamz dont seem parcticulaly platonic to me

John: according to rose, they’re in the spades quadrant. kismetiwhatevers.

John: but the thing is… dave doesn’t know.

John: rose was going to do something about it, but kanaya wouldn’t let her. i think kanaya wants karkat to take care of it.

Roxy: what teh eff does the nubby grey grinch have to do with dave

John: nothing, but karkat is gamzee’s best friend thingy.

Roxy: so he can tell gamz to back the fuck off?

John: if he wanted to. i don’t think he wants to, though.

John: he and terezi used to be a thing before rose and dave showed up.

Roxy: hold the lelevator

Roxy: u sayin

Roxy: if dave breaks up with trezi over gamz then nubbs thniks he can get her skinny ass back

John: that’s the theory, anyway.

Roxy: this wholl house o cards is built on trezi

Roxy: wuts her angle then

John: no idea. terezi keeps her own counsel.

John: but here’s the thing… jade’s been really lonely since dave sprite left.

John: when i saw her with dave, i couldn’t help thinking… maybe they belong together. you know?

John: you should have seen the expression on her face when she saw him. she hasn’t smiled like that in months.

John: he doesn’t loosen up around anyone else, not even terezi.

John: oh god, i’m turning into karkat!

John: if i ever just start shouting indiscriminately please ask jade to put me down with one clean shot.

Roxy: john

John: yeah?

Roxy: youre down 2 the olivey dregs

Roxy: can i get u another drink

* * *

You bring two full glasses back to the couch. You’ve toned yours down and kicked his up, so now they’re about even on the alcohol. Your hands are rock steady even as your ankles wobble – no drips on your watch. You arrange your shins across John’s lap so you’re sitting at right angles and deliver his drink with a flourish.

Roxy: so john what about you

John: what about me?

Roxy: if you were in charge of this teenache romcom who would u end up w/

Roxy: whos johnnys soul mate?

Roxy: quit ur blushing now this shit is hells of srs

John: well, there’s this girl…

Roxy: yeeeeesss?

John: stop wiggling your eyebrows! you’re as bad as terezi. you’re as bad as ROSE.

Roxy: score mwahaha

John: there was this girl named vriska.

Roxy: vvvvvrishka

John: but then she died.

John: after that our ghosts dated for a little bit, but it didn’t work out.

John: vriska was kind of… unstable. she thought she could take on jack all by herself.

John: also she was a murderous conniving bitch apparently?

Roxy: watch your fuckin luanguage

John: whoops!

Roxy: so jack got her too

Roxy: god why r all of our stories so tragicially sad

Roxy: when were old well be all notstalgic about depressing shit like

Roxy: all the times we died

Roxy: does it evn mean ne thing

John: does what mean anything?

Roxy: death & dyin

John: ....

Roxy: shit i mean weve all died at leas once right

Roxy: somma us by our own 2 hands

Roxy: but we dont get cut up about it

Roxy: suuposed to be part of the human xp

Roxy: wtf is wrong w us? do we even deserve 2 be the last survrivors of the human race

Roxy: were meamt to be heroes and instead were like

Roxy: strangers

Roxy: killin an arab

Roxy: all quietly + emptily sitting on death row w/o two fucks to rub 2gether

Roxy: sometomes i wonder if were already dead irl

John: rose can indulge this existentialist tangent way better than i can. that being said…

John: you’re right.

John: the trolls take this crap way more seriously than we do. maybe it’s because they’re on their last lives. or maybe it’s because they’ve lost so many of their friends already.

John: dave is the only one of us that really gets upset when he dies, even though he tries to hide it with the stoic strider shades thing.

John: between you and me i think he’s half troll anyway.

John: i guess…

John: i don’t worry too much about dying because i’m not done with living.

John: is that denial? probably.

John: does it invalidate everything i do and feel in the meantime? absolutely not!

John: for instance, i’m having a good time right now.

Roxy: are ya now

Roxy: well so am i!

Roxy: i liek u john you are the geniune article

John: thank you! i like you too, rox.

John: can i call you that? rox?

Roxy: yes

Roxy: yes you can

Roxy: in fact i instist

Roxy: so tett me more about this vrishka chick that jack snuffed

John: actually, she never made it to jack. the other trolls were afraid she would lead him back to the meteor.

Roxy: she wos a troll?

Roxy: she wouldnt haapen to be the god tier that trezi killed

John: where did you hear about that?

Roxy: a little birdie told me! >:o

John: i thought i told you to stop wiggling your eyebrows at me!

You see his hand going for your middle and your choice is to put down your drink or block. You put down your drink.

This is called knowing your priorities.

Roxy: stop it stop it eeeeeeeeeee

Roxy: stop stop tickling me i cant breathehehe

Roxy: ahaha nnnnoooooooo!!!

John: what’s the magic word?

Roxy: nono stop i cant plehehehehehehehe stoppit

John: try again!

Roxy: eeeehehe EEEeeeee EEEEEEEyahahaha!!!!!

Karkat: WHAT IN THE NAME OF TROLL JEGUS ARE YOU DOING TO THAT HUMAN FEMALE?

John snatches back his hands. You slide from the couch in slow motion, sobbing and giggling and clutching your middle. Your cheeks feel hot enough to match your eyes. You gasp for breath as you grin up at the angry nubby troll.

John: i’m not hurting her, she’s fine!

Karkat: SHE DOESN’T SOUND FINE TO ME. SHE WAS SCREECHING LIKE A WAILFIEND.

Karkat: LOOK, SHE CAN HARDLY FILL HER BREATH SPONGES.

John: no, really! she’s okay!

Roxy: m’ok!!

Karkat: JOHN, I KNOW IN YOUR TINY HUMAN FIGHT ORGAN YOU YEARN TO USURP MY PLACE AS THE ENCYCLOPEDIC MASTERMIND OF ROMANCE ON THIS METEOR.

Karkat: YOU WANT TO DEVIATE FROM YOUR PATHETICALLY LIMITED HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. I UNDERSTAND THAT.

Karkat: BUT SINCE YOUR THINK PAN APPARENTLY DRIPPED OUT OF YOUR HEAR DUCTS, I WILL REMIND YOU THAT EVEN THE CALIGINOUS QUADRANT REQUIRES A MODICUM OF CONSENT.

John: what?

Roxy: what r you implyin u assbutt

Karkat: CAN’T YOU GET YOUR OFFENSIVE HUMAN NOOK RUBBING ON WITHOUT GETTING PUSHY, JOHN?

That’s it. You’ve had enough of this jerkwad. You bounce to your feet to slam the door in Karkat’s face – anyway, that’s what you would have done if he was still there. You realize the draft in the room is John’s wake. He’s launched himself off the couch. Swoon!

From the sounds coming through the doorway, you think maybe Karkat and John have some unrequited hate of their own to work out.


	3. Roxy: Rock the boat.

When your martini clock runs out of ticks, you realize John’s not coming back. That’s fine. You mean, you guess. You need to find Jane anyway. You gank the tail end of John’s drink and don’t bother to sneak past the couch, where Rose and Kanaya can apparently sleep through a tornado.

Where is Jane? You take a left and then a flight of stairs down into the dark. Your eyes drift closed as you walk your fingers along the wall; the call of the void leads you into the depths of the meteor. You slip off your shoes so you can hear over your own scuffing tread.

There’s a giggle. The void goes still. You open your eyes and push through a door into a room piled with pillows and warmed by firelight. Jane and Jade have broken up the furniture for kindling and made a fort of the leftover cushions; they’re lying on their tummies, roasting marshmallows in their underwear. You give Jade mental props for kicking it old school.

Roxy: lo girls

Roxy: m i interpupting?

Jane: No, no! Please come in. Have you met Jade?

Jade: oh yeah! roses mom

Jade: im so glad youre here, pull up a cushion!

Jane: I was just telling Jade about Dirk and Jake.

Jade: its so unfair that dirk stole your man away!!

Jane: It was mostly my fault. Still…

Roxy: (mmm fankyoo wadies i woaf marcemewoahs)

Jane: I saw him first, you know?

Jane: I think he was mine for the taking until I told him to give Dirk a chance. But when he asked me how I felt I just… panicked!

Roxy: yesyes u r a silly girl & an absolube shit at love BUT

Jade: but?!?

Roxy: you can fix it!!!!!

Jane: No, no, no! I won’t! Jake’s happy and Dirk’s happy and I don’t want to ruin it!

Jade: let me tell you a story jane

Jade: its a story about a boy who was sooo cooool!

Jade: he was friends with a girl and they would talk online and he would rap for her and send her his music and she thought he was the king of awesome

Jade: then one day he came to visit her and they spent all day chasing frogs and playing in the snow and laughing at stuff and she thought he would stay with her

Jane: But?

Roxy: buuuut

Jade: but then jack came and took it all away

Jade: she kissed the cool kid and woke him up but he never came back

Jade: later on she dated his sprite but it wasnt the same because he didnt remember the day with the frogs

Jade: he wanted her to always be the sad girl he found on the battlefield but she was ready to change

Jade: she had already changed

Jade: so the sprite left her too

Jade: snniiiiiffff

You pull off your socks and use them for tissues. Jane sits up and draws Jade into her lap. Jade is a messy bawler, and it takes her some time to get the sobs under control. Jane holds her until she’s only hiccupping two or three times a minute.

Roxy: wheres this jacksass now

Jade: pro- pro- probly upstairs kissing terezi

Jane: Oh, Jade!

Roxy: (its dave right)

Jane: (Hush, you!)

Roxy: look jade i think ONE of us derserves 2b happy

Roxy: (quit pokin me)

Roxy: have you tried u know talking to him

Roxy: (ouch jane!)

Jane: (What are you doing?)

Roxy: (trust me)

Jane: (I think I could get drunk from the fumes wafting off you right now.)

Roxy: (have a lititle fuckin faith crocker)

You lift a tottering Jade to her feet. Next comes Jane, dressing as she stands, practically carrying Jade out the door behind you. You don’t need to make sure they’re following; Jane would follow you into the void.

She laughs at you when you trip over your abandoned shoes in the dark, the everloving bitch.

Before you find the stairs again, Jade is standing straight, pulling on her dress and scrubbing the tears from her cheeks. She has a look in her eye that you’ve seen before in Jake’s. It’s a look that means she’ll regret this shit in the morning, but tonight it’s do or die.

The other girls don’t understand why you’re giggling, but it must be viral because the three of you can barely breathe.

* * *

You find Dave alone in the dining room. His head’s resting on his arm but his eyes are wide open. He doesn’t even blink when the troop marches in.

Jane: Dave, Jade has something to say to you.

Jade: (gulp!)

Roxy: (nows your chance jakes grandma)

Jade: (i changed my mind!)

Roxy: (mmkay right then)

Roxy: (socoot aside)

Roxy: dave trezis cheating on you

Jade: (whaaaattt??)

Roxy: shes hate dating gamz behind ur back

Jade: (how do you even know about quadrants??)

Dave: not interested in your drama alt teen mom

Roxy: its tru i saw em snoggig right after dinner

Dave: i know ok

Dave: i know already

Roxy: we are all KINDS of about kicking her ass back to trollstown just gimme a heading

Dave: ok first of all

Dave: you dont stand a chance against terezi

Dave: second we broke it off three weeks ago

Dave: we kept it quiet because we didnt want to upset somebody

Jane: Karkat?

Jade: gamzee?

Roxy: jade

Jane: (Ssshhhhh!)

Dave: the mayor

Dave: we didnt want to upset the mayor

Dave: are you happy

Roxy: yes!!

Jade: (cant you see how torn up he is)

Jane: (This is your chance, Jade! Aren’t you going to go for it?)

Jade: (no!!!!!!!!!)

Roxy: (r u cray cray)

Jade: (i refuse to take advantage of broken hearted boys!)

Roxy: ok NO were not happy but well take our hardwon victory apettizer in lieu of the entree

Dave: good

Dave: now go away

Jade: noo!

Jade: i mean

Jade: can i sit in here with you for a while?

Jade slips onto the bench next to Dave and cranes forward to hear his answer. She comes to rest with her chin propped on her arms and her eyes fixed on the same invisible spot Dave’s been staking out since you arrived. Jane leads you away by the wrist, but she can’t stop you from watching over your shoulder as Dave drops a hand to Jade’s hip and pulls her a few inches closer.

Your next objective is to find John. You’ve trekked through half the meteor already, and there are only so many places a man can hide. Jane doesn’t need to be briefed about the mission. She guessed the score and she’s not even mad. What are best friends for?

You tumble into a poorly-lit room containing four boys in various states of undress around a table. As you take in the glory that is mostly-naked Dirk smirking at you from the far side of the room, your very best friend in the universe utters an ignominious squeak and flees. You decide to pretend that Jane didn’t just run from Jake’s bared skin like a squealing child at bath time.

Le siiiign. So much for bestie back up.


	4. John: Do the windy thing.

You draw up a chair next to John.

Jake: Heya roxy!

Roxy: can i play?

Karkat: WHO INVITED YOU, FUCKFACE?

Roxy: k eff u and eef the precious lil pony u rode in on

Dirk: Of course you can, Roxy. Ignore the peasant rabble.

John: and if karkat doesn’t like it, he can forfeit something else!

Dirk deals you in, and as you expect, it’s Hold ‘Em. Dirk always picks this game out of some kind of displaced state pride, even though Texas drowned in all its glory long before he was born. That’s all right, you’re decent at Hold ‘Em. You peek at your cards and get up to pour a round of beers from the keg in the corner. Good girl. Best bartender.

Roxy: whered you find beer on this shitty little spacecock

Roxy: *rock *rock i meant to say spacerock

Dirk: Oh god. You are so fucking toasted.

John: i brewed it!

Karkat: HEY! SHARE SOME FUCKING CREDIT YOU MASSIVE WEEPING SORE OF A HOOFBEAST’S ASS.

John: jade helped too. try it!

Roxy: it tastes like punpkins

John: do you like it? jade has about a million of them in her greenhouse, and we pretty much make do with what we can get these days.

Roxy: john dear thisshit is delish

Karkat sneers at you, so you give him your sweetest smile and deliberately lose the first round. It’s only fair. Karkat is already down to his boxers and a single sock. Dirk’s just undies and shades, but you know he’s losing on purpose.

You know this the same way you know he will go full skin before he touches the shades.

Jake’s not doing too badly, but his guns, shoes, and shirt are scattered over the sofas in the corner. John seems to have only lost his hood. Your shoes and socks are long gone, so you pull your scarf loose and let it puddle on the floor.

Next round, John is the gentleman and loses for your benefit. He drops his strife specibus where you can just read it. Hammerkind? Intriguing! You quirk a suggestive eyebrow at him and he grins right back.

You have to stand to refill your cup, and when you come back, you’ve lost again. Off come the leggings with the most ladylike wiggle you can manage in your current state. Jake proceeds to cross some invisible threshold of drunk and loses the next three rounds, leaving him in glasses and awful short shorts. Dirk’s glee is palpable and everyone in the room is a little delirious.

Next round, Karkat loses and goes completely shithive maggots. In the blink of an eye, the table’s flipped, Dirk is gone, John is pushing you out of the way. There’s no need to find the hammer, though; Karkat’s turned tail. Jake is lost and blinking on the ground, so you crawl over to help him find his glasses. Where did Dirk go? He must have been holding back his specibus, because it’s not under his neatly-folded clothespile.

The table is righted again, and John’s captchaloguing his belongings, when Dirk flashsteps back to his chair. He shakes his head.

John suggests Truth or Dare, and you look at him like he built the pyramids and wrote your name on top in forty-five foot tall flashing neon lights. The boys shove Jake’s things off the cushions. They let you go first because they are all proper gentlemen.

That must be the reason why they haven’t put their clothes back on, too.

Roxy: dirk!! truth ore dare

Dirk: Let’s go with dare.

Roxy: i dare u to take off your shades

Dirk sulks, but he takes them off and folds the arms back carefully by feel. He peeks open one eye in a painful squint. Everyone leans forward but it’s Jake who exclaims “Ah hah!” Just like that, the shades are back on and Dirk’s pulling on his clothes.

Jake: Dont leave! Oh crumbs. Look what you did roxy.

Dirk: I’m not leaving. It’s fucking cold in here.

John: hehehe!

Dirk: John. Truth or Dare.

John: truth, please!

Dirk: Who’s hotter, me or Jake?

John looks at you all a-panic, so you give him the correct answer and he repeats it triumphantly. Everyone is satisfied because it’s true.

(Hint: it’s Dirk. No contest. It’s cute that John needed to hear it from you, though.)

John: roxy, truth or dare?

Roxy: truth plz

John: did you spill your drink on purpose so you could talk to me alone?

You bury your face in your hands. Everyone is already laughing at you, so you wail “yeeess” into your fingers. You peek at John over your fingertips and he kisses you right on the cheek.

You just want to drown in your embarrassment but maybe, if you’re good, it’ll be this boy who wakes you up this time.

John: you’re so cute when you blush, hehe! it’s your turn.

Roxy: j truthor dare

Jake: Dare!

Roxy: i dare you to ask me why jane is so yeloow she cant even pretrend to enjoy herself in the same room as you for five fuckin minutes

Jake: Um. What?

Roxy: ask me why she ran away jake!!!

The room is silent for a moment as Jake considers your request. It must pass muster, because he repeats the query with a raised eyebrow.

You lean in, mouth twisting, but the answer comes out as a series of muffled vowels. John’s hand smothers the entire lower half of your face, his callouses rough on your cheek, and you can only blame hammerkind which is not something that you want to do, because you love hammerkind yes you do.

It doesn’t matter, because Dirk has taken it upon himself to provide a DISTACTION. This involves, first, clapping his hands over Jake’s ears; and second, reeling him in for some passionate tongue. You tear your eyes away from the spectacle only because John’s talking to you.

John: rox, look. i know you’re drunk.

Roxy: ma mmph!

John: and i know you blame jake for breaking jane’s heart.

John: but you are her best friend and you are an inch away from betraying her confidence, so please, for her sake, keep your mouth shut.

Roxy: my mm mmmz mimurmimm

John: what was that?

Roxy: i am miss zuipperpips!

John: i’m going to count that as a yes.

John: let’s get out of here.

You turn an agonized eye to the other boys. Dirk has his boyfriend pinned to the couch using his elbows and knees and teeth as Jake tries to wrestle Dirk’s shirt back off. The sounds coming out of the two of them are unbelievable. You let John drag you helplessly away.

* * *

The tiles under John’s feet echo way too loud. You think it’s because your last drink was before Karkat took an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle. You slump melodramatically onto the nearest couch, pulling John on top of you. He lands, knees on the floor, elbows framing your shoulders and magnified blue, blue eyes right on top of yours.

There’s a minute where nobody blinks. You think about how no one else looks at you like this, about how John puts his whole body into a hug and his whole face into a smile, he doesn’t hold anything back, and that thought percolates through your head and warms up the corners you didn’t know were cold. Maybe this is a thing, you think. Maybe this is it.

John: you okay, roxy?

Roxy: i think

Roxy: i need a drink

John leaves you where you landed and you just languish there for a minute musing about serendipity. You’re not the wilting type so it doesn’t last long. You wander in circles until he comes back with cups. It’s water, but you forgive him. It’s just what you wanted.

Roxy: u will never believe who is still sonoring in the corner

John: no!

Roxy: ys

John: i hope you’re thinking what i’m thinking!

You’re thinking you’re sick to death of trying to behave. You’re thinking it’s the witching hour. You’re thinking that when John gets this look in his eye, you want to follow him to the end of the universe and maybe fight Jack single handed when you get there.

You’re thinking you need to find a bucket.

Not that kind of bucket! Reader, get your mind out of the gutter.

* * *

Nine minutes later, your alt teen mom has gone grimdark and you have to call up the void around both of you to get away.

John is laughing like a maniac at the horrified look on Kanaya’s face when she recognized the instrument of her indignity, but all you can think of is how the room grew dark and heavy when your mom rose dripping from the sofa. The shadows that wrenched the empty bucket from John’s hands clawed at your skin like brambles, leaving stinging red welts.

You flee heedless up the stairs into the night of the Ring with John at your heels.

You fly out the door and make it most of the way across the crater before John can catch your hand. The both of you collapse into a panting tangle. John can’t stop giggling, but the noise you’re making is a brittle silhouette of humor. You’re shivering so hard you’re liable to bite your tongue if you try to talk. John wraps himself around you and doesn’t move until your breath comes slow.

John: sorry, roxy, i should have told you about rose.

Roxy: s’ok

Roxy: it was my idea to douse her in the first place

Roxy: wth just hapened

John: she gets possessed sometimes? the day i found my dad dead – the day i found rose’s mom – she was there, on some crazy revenge kick.

John: she was a… thunderhead, speaking in tongues. she was a monster playing dress up in my friend’s clothes.

John: then jack came and killed us both, the bastard.

Roxy: who brought ya back then

John: this thing did!

Roxy:  ur wind sock??

John: my god hood!

John: and then i had to kiss rose, which you don’t want to hear about.

Roxy: false!!! the thing about me and gospip is the answer is always gimme

Roxy: gimemgimmegimme

John: i wanted it to mean something. i guess i had been listening to karkat because i thought rose and i were supposed to make a family?

John: i never really thought about her that way. even before the game, she always talked like a grownup.

John: she has a way of getting into your head and taking you apart.

John: she was dead, roxy! i didn’t mind kissing her, she’s my friend, but she is creepy even when she’s not a babbling horror and i’ve barely seen her in three years.

John: not to mention the whole thing with vriska.

Roxy: nubbys fulla sh*t

Roxy: what does he know about human relashiontips? NOTHIN

John: what about you, roxy? who have you been kissing?

Roxy: ooh kiss + tell

Roxy: it would be super if i could give this game the juicy pageangry it deserves but the truth is soul crushingly + tear jrkingly dull

John: aww… well, i want to hear about it anyway.

Roxy: all right here is the shittiest sob story u ever heard

Roxy: the last man on earth wants nothin 2 do w/me

Roxy: the eligible effin bach is OFF LIMMITS and not a bacehlor nemore neither

Roxy: and i couldnt even kiss my bff to save her life

Roxy: turns out im not even the main character in the epic tragedy that is my love life

Roxy: bcuz stridergets what strider wants and wut strider wants is

Roxy: not

Roxy: f’n

Roxy: roxy lalonde

Roxy: k nuff of that miserable noise now you gotta tell me about your hood

John: do i have to?

Roxy: y

John: cause it’ll be more fun to show you!

He gathers you as he rights himself. You’re light in his arms. He must think so too, because he’s tucked you under his chin like you might float away if he loosens his grip. You give him your bravest smile.

John does windy thing.

For a moment, the only sound is the rising Breeze. It starts at nothing, a caress, and works itself up into a gale, columns of dust lashing the barren rock. The sofa is only creeping across the surface of the crater, but the coffee table tumbles end over end until it lodges against the wall of the compound.

When John leaps free of the ground, you let out an involuntary shriek and throw your arms around his neck. Your eyes and mouth grow wider and wider as the meteor recedes. You’re whooping and craning your neck to look down at the ground and back up at John.

John’s smiling so hard his face will stick that way, and oh my goodness, it’s you he’s smiling at.

Roxy: john this is amazing

Roxy: johnny

Roxy: john

Roxy: john i cant breathe!

Something’s wrong.

The air is so thin up here that your elation is rapidly evolving into hyperventilation. The wind strips the moisture from your skin. How did it get so cold? Each heaving breath is deep enough to make your chest ache but you still can’t get enough. Your senses are going to static, you can’t feel your fingers. You register the body panic but you are not afraid. Everything grows small.

In the vast empty between places, there is a kiss.

Your head tips back and your lips part under the soft pressure of John’s mouth. He breathes the air back into your lungs. As your mind reacquaints itself with your body you find yourself kissing back, your fist in his hair, fine black lifelines between your fingers. You’re Sleeping Beauty coming awake after a thousand years. You don’t think you’ve ever been awake before this moment.

Before this moment, you don’t think you’ve ever been alive.

If you’re John, you can’t hear the Breeze over the blood rushing through your ears. The only thing keeping your heart on the inside of your chest is Roxy pressed against it. You think being kissed back is a vast improvement over smooching corpses. Roxy is gorgeous, and fun, and full of life. Where the hell has she been the last sixteen years?

When your feet hit the ground and she surges up on her tiptoes to kiss you again, your heart just stops.

Wait, that’s the grimdark.


	5. John and Roxy: Fall for it.

Jane: John! Roxy!

Jane: Are you out here?

Jane: I don’t think they’re here, Kanaya.

Kanaya: Theyre Here

Kanaya: Cant You Feel It

Jane: Feel what? The wind?

Kanaya: This Place Has No Natural Meteorological Phenomena

Kanaya: John Is Out Here Stirring Up A Breeze

Jane: John! Where are you?

Jane: Rose needs help!

John: (what do you think?)

Roxy: (its a trap!!!!)

Roxy: (roses evil momster vibe gives me the goosebumps)

Roxy: (momster lol thats a good one)

Roxy: (cant she turn it off)

John: (she can! usually. sometimes.)

John: (you can stay here if you want, but i should probably go talk to them.)

Roxy: (like hell)

John: (it’ll be fine! she’s not going to hurt you.)

Roxy: (ok w/e guy gtfo)

Roxy: (guess that means u dont need my voidey thing anymore)

You plop yourself onto the ratty couch, but John’s only talking to the girls for about a minute before he calls you over. Reluctantly, you let the void out and put on a show of a stretch for his enjoyment.

Being in close proximity to thorny, demonic Rose makes the fine hairs on your forearm stand on end. She’s laid out on the ground, so very pale despite the lead-colored cast to her skin, and there’s a drip, drip, drip of blood soaking through the scarf around her neck. Jane is leaning over her, icy blue eyes wide with worry. Your dismay is palpable.

Jane: Roxy! Thank goodness!

Roxy: what in the name of all that is cute & fllufy is goin on over here

Jane: Kanaya, uh, Kanaya –

Kanaya: I Was Partaking Of Her Blood

Kanaya: We Were Um

Kanaya: Anyway

Kanaya: This Time I Lost Control

Kanaya: I Think I Hit Something Important

Your expression could only be described as fascinated horror. The stately, handsome troll girl is standing back, wringing her hands apologetically. No, it’s not that – she’s fiddling with something. Lipstick.

Kanaya: We Were Wondering If You Might Consider A Little Donation

Roxy: killing my mom wasnt enough u bitch youre still thirstin for lalonde gravy

Roxy: are you a vamp or what

Jane: Rose isn’t dead, Roxy! This is not the time to argue!

Kanaya: No You Misunderstand Its Not For Me

Kanaya: Rose Needs A Transfusion

John: how is that going to work? nobody on this meteor is qualified to be sticking needles into people!

John: unless maybe you count rose.

John: i guess you could borrow her specibus?

Kanaya: We Did It Once Before

Kanaya: Dave Was Kind Enough To Donate

Kanaya: After That He Came Down With A Fever So Rose Made Us Learn How To Do The Aseptic Technique

John: that must be why you had jade drawing medical supplies as soon as she got here! i thought she was making a first aid kit to keep in the kitchen.

Roxy: oh good then dave can do it u don tneed me

Kanaya: Good Luck

Kanaya: He Wasnt Particularly Cooperative The First Time

Jane: We don’t have time. It has to be you, Roxy, she needs help right now.

John: but can’t you just…?

Jane: What does that finger wiggling thing mean?

John: you know. the lifey thing. that’s your thing, right?

Jane: That’s a great idea. Let’s all stand here and watch her to bleed to death.

Jane: Unless you’re planning to speed up the process?

Roxy: god no stop its ok

Roxy: look ill do it

Roxy: can we just get it over with

* * *

Kanaya produces a blood bag and IV line from her sylladex, still in their sterile packaging, while John ties Kanaya’s scarf tight around your upper arm. He makes sure it doesn’t pinch too much. Jane is making a mess of the crook of your elbow with little iodine towelettes. When she’s finally satisfied, Kanaya snaps on a pair of surgical gloves and starts poking around.

You don’t want to think about how a troll got so familiar with human vascular anatomy.

You close your eyes when she goes in with the needle. It pinches, but it’s really not as bad as you expected; John’s death grip on your hand hurts worse. Kanaya’s trying to rig the tubing so it doesn’t pull the needle, but she keeps getting distracted.

The first of your blood spills into the bag and she swallows convulsively.

John: kanaya, what’s –

You must be losing blood faster than you thought because the world’s going white, starting with Kanaya. She licks her lips, eyes fixed on the bag; John puts himself between you with his hammer in hand. Jane, who has gone back to sit with Rose, is rigid and silent as a fencepost. What’s going on?

Kanaya is chewing her lip. She must have nicked herself, because bright green beads are welling up between her sharp white canines. One hand draws a slow trajectory with the lipstick like she’s going to smear it on her bleeding mouth. Instead, she flicks her fingers and she’s holding a goddamned _chainsaw_.

Her mouth is a toothy grimace. The adrenaline that’s rising in you like a tide tips over, but you’re so lightheaded that the void slips away. You should have rehydrated before you let them bleed you like a stuck pig. You have to get this thing out of your arm, but your fingers are too clumsy to do it right.

You clench your jaw and yank.

John’s taking advantage of his longer reach to force Kanaya back with wide, sweeping swings. The commotion her weapon is making throws echoes off the walls of the crater and the walls of your cranium until you want to vomit.

You’ll pass out if you stand up, so you crawl on your knees over to Jane, leaving muddy red handprints in the dust. It’s so much worse being right next to Rose – Jane must feel it too. This close, you realize her pupils are pinned nearly shut. Touching Jane’s hand gives you a static shock, but she doesn’t even flinch. She’s completely unresponsive.

Then Kanaya’s glowing over you, fucking _glowing_ , chainsaw high in two hands. She’s so bright you can see the shadow her weapon casts on the wall of the compound. John’s at her back; the handle of his warhammer is the only thing stopping her from coming down on top of you.

Horror movies tell you she’ll be snarling, eyes red with rage, caught up in a bloodlust, so her rabid rictus feeds your fear and transmutes it.  She struggles against John’s superior strength before tossing the screaming saw aside and sinking her teeth into his forearm, forcing him to drop his own weapon with a yelp. Uttering a feral growl, Kanaya twists her neck, flinging his arm out of her way.

Her luminescence actually makes her harder to track against the starless black. You can’t tell troll from afterimage, so all you can do is shift your weight to shield Jane and throw up an arm in defense.

You brace yourself for a blow that doesn’t come and keeps not coming. No teeth, no claws, no lancing horns – if that’s what they’re even for, you don’t know. Instead, when you open your eyes, John’s sitting on his heels next to Rose, propped up by the ludicrously decadent rainbow hammer.

He’s poking her in the ribs with a wide grin on his face.

John: okay, rose, you got us! that was a good one!

Rose pushes herself up and laughs. The grimdark is thawing away like a nightmare at dawn.

Kanaya moves over to the couch to retrieve the chainsaw. When she comes back she’s touching up her lipstick with a secret smile. She circumnavigates John to fuss with Rose’s bandage; Rose protests with a hiss and a wince. Jane, free of the paralyzing current, is aggressively kneading her arms and face. You can’t believe what just happened.

You throw yourself down in disgust.

Rose: How did you know I was awake?

John: dunno. how do birds know there’s a storm coming?

Jane: Barometric pressure? Ionic charge?

John: shrug. something like that.

John: were you in on it, jane?

Jane: Hardly! If I had known Rose was going to turn her black magic tazer on me I wouldn’t have been so quick to agree.

Jane: What did you do to me, Rose? My shoulders feel like rocks!

Rose: I paralyzed you so you wouldn’t give me away.

Rose: Please accept my sincere apologies; it was not my intention to hurt you. I promise to adjust the voltage for future applications.

Jane: Fuck you and your voltage! You used me to give your little scenario some fucking validity and then you left me in the corner when you didn’t need me anymore.

Rose: I am cursed with sight that reveals how the best laid plans will go awry. The capacity to change course, however, I value as a gift.

Rose: I did what I had to do to prevent you from dropping the curtain on our little joke prematurely.

Jane: Roxy’s lips were white! Her eyes were rolling back in her head! Don’t tell me that was part of the plan!

Rose: Jane –

Jane: Fuck this, I need some air.

Roxy: wait up

You bound to your feet but you have to support yourself, hands on your knees, until the constellations fade back away into the black where they belong. When you can stand without falling, Kanaya’s lambent finger is your signpost to find Jane in the shadows on the far side of the lip of the crater.

* * *

Roxy: holy shit what was that oustburst about

Roxy: dont get me wrong im pissed too but its just my fool pride

Roxy: turn around and lemme get @ some of those knots

Jane: Thanks, Roxy. Siiighh!

Roxy: how did u get into this mess janey girl

Jane: Ow. Well, after you abandoned me I went to talk to Gamzee for a while.

Roxy: LIES you were the one who adondoned me

Jane: This is my story now, so you can shut it.

Jane: Anyway, he seems to be pretty harmless for a troll. He’s really nice! He’s going to give me his pie recipe.

Jane: I still don’t get the face paint, but whatever.

Roxy: its probably an elaborate disguise

Roxy: its so elabolate that only his own inflated mind can untangle its logic

Roxy: and by inflated i mean high as a hot air ballonn

Jane: SHUT. IT.

Jane: After a while Terezi came in and hijacked the whole conversation, at which point Gamzee must have forgotten he was talking to me. She ended up taking him to go find Karkat.

Jane: I ran into Rose and Kanaya when I was wandering around after that. They were…

Jane: Ow, yeah, right there! Ooh. I feel like I should be paying for this backrub.

Roxy: no u silly gril its a free friendship massage you get a coupon in your mailbox every month

Roxy: thats toters a thing k friendship massages

Roxy: u were sayin? they were?

Jane: Um… getting intimate, I guess?

Jane: I kind of freaked out because Rose was all bloody and I might have accidentally spanked Kanaya with the sparkly battlespoon you made for me.

Jane: It was just my terrible tipsy aim, but Kanaya asked me if I wanted to join them?

Roxy: janey this story is the mf shit please continue

Roxy: and nevr ever ever stop

Jane: Ew, Roxy! You don’t think I would really do it!

Roxy: y not?? dont tell me rose is ugly thats a sharp knife right in the lalonde

Roxy: i dont got the hang of troll asetehtic but it seems to me you could do worse than kanaya

Roxy: *asethetic

Roxy: at least she bathes reglulary

Jane: Just a bit lower. Aaahh!

Roxy: and she has the fashion eye 4 rillies

Roxy: whats the harm in a little fun??

Jane: Rose is your mother! Slash daughter. Slash sister?

Roxy: r you sayin i should keep my paws offa john on account a hes your grandad

Jane: What? No, you two were made for each other. Rose just makes me feel icky.

Roxy: le siiigggn

Roxy: boring love report is boring now

Jane: And yet we must soldier on.

Jane: I said no, thank you, but Rose was cooking up this great idea for a prank and she wanted my help to pull it off, and I was still mad about YOU abandoning ME over a stupid BOY –

Roxy: u dont mean that you love john

Roxy: omg dem peepers

Roxy: he is so prettey i just want to like

Roxy: groom him

Roxy: is that so wrong

Jane: Yes, John is a total stud muffin, he gets all the girls, it’s hard to believe we’re related, et cetera.

Roxy: you would get all the girls too if u would just lossen up

Roxy: i will be your personal trainer of how to stop worrying and love teh bomb

Jane: What is the bomb?

Roxy: the bomb is you j crock

Roxy: you are the bomb

Roxy: i got a great warm up exercise 4 you

Roxy: u need 2 open yor mouth and make a yes sound in front of the mirror

Roxy: well start with twenty and work up to fifty reps twice a day by the end of the week

Jane: You’re being obnoxious.

Roxy: and u are deliblerlately sabotaging ur self!

Roxy: wt shitting f is wrong with you? its like deep down u dont think u deserve nice things

Roxy: i just want you to be happy janey

Jane: I know. Thanks for the backrub, Roxy. I feel a lot better now.

Roxy: any time sweetie pie lets go back inside

Jane: No, that’s okay. I want to be alone for a little while.


	6. John and Roxy: Sloppy makeouts. Now.

You pick your way back down the slope, raising a little cloud of dust every time you slide. Your feet are absolutely filthy. John’s still chatting amicably, but he stands up and dusts off as you approach. He takes you by the grimy, bloody hand and draws you into Kanaya’s circle of light.

John: is she going to survive?

Roxy: shes fine she just wants 2 hang outsite for a bit

Rose: Roxy. I want you to know that I would never actually put your life in danger over a stupid prank.

Rose: I handled Jane badly. I should have let her know what to expect. She had no idea I had everything under control, and instead of reassuring her, I punished her for trying to interfere.

Rose: I need to make it up to her.

Roxy: aw dont be that way mommy dearest

Roxy: i never thought for a second u were tryin to actually kill me with that snunt

Roxy: tho the all of the sudden vampires thing threw me 4 a sec

John: it was pretty much straight out of From Dusk Till Dawn.

Roxy: mm right w/e you say

Roxy: rosie what u got 2 know is that my friend jane has this problem where she makes superfluous pretend problems for herself just by being jane

Roxy: so dont b too hard on urself

Roxy: shes gonna get over it

Rose: Thanks, Roxy.

Rose: I have to admit, you’re not quite what I expected.

Rose: In a nice way.

Roxy: dawww <3

Rose: I think Kanaya and I are going to retire.

John: good night, you two!

Kanaya: You As Well John

Kanaya: Im Glad You Enjoyed Our Joke And I Hope We Find More Opportunities To Spar In The Future

John: oh yeah, any time!

* * *

You follow the girls inside. They seem to know where they’re going, so you pick a different direction to avoid awkward.

You steer a course past the poker room with the firm intention of accidentally walking in on Dirk and Jake, but John’s two steps ahead of you and it’s not meant to be. Instead, he opens a door that teaches you the meaning of knock first – three trolls are piled onto a single couch in a disaster zone of playing cards and discarded clothing.

It looks like Karkat hasn’t gotten any better at poker. He and Terezi are so tightly apposed that even Gamzee’s wicked claws are making no headway at prying her away. As you watch, Karkat gently and distractedly disengages his moirail from Terezi’s bloody pelt. Her hands are wandering tongues, her mouth too busy to maintain the mirage of vision. The boys are her satellites; her inertia directs their motion, her whim commands the tide.

You remind yourself to befriend-slash-stalk Terezi until you learn all of her secrets. All of them.

As the two of you back away, she tracks your path with minimal, but still impressive, accuracy.

Terezi: SW33T DR34MS, BLU3 R4SPB3RRY BUBBL3GUM!

Oh my god. Is Terezi shipping you?

That is effing _brilliant_.

* * *

Eventually you find yourself back in Rose’s distillery with a pair of nightcaps.

Roxy: now ive seen some of these sofas in action im a littel leery to touch em

Roxy: but on the other hand omg so many comfy as fuck sofas

Roxy: all awkwardly watching the walls like strangers on a train

John: pilgrims!

Roxy: pilgrips on a train makes no goddamn sense

John: pilgrims from all corners of the earth have journeyed here to attend the birth of the holy child.

Roxy: r u saying that somewhere in this spooky dundgeon of a frat house there is a baby ottoman just cooing and being all innocent and heaped with travel size bottles of leather polish and stain remover

John: you can’t deny the royal blue loveseat next door practically reeks of maternity!

Roxy: maternity yes

Roxy: virgivity no

Roxy: but rly where did they come from

Roxy: couches dont really reporduce all of their own selves

John: apparently sometime during the third year the question of sleeping arrangements came up.

John: see, trolls sleep in these pods filled with slime… anyway, rose and dave refused to use them.

Roxy: p much not at all surprised

John: dave accused terezi of trying to drown him!

John: and then she did try to drown him, to show him the difference, which started a month-long water balloon war that is a totally other story.

John spinning a yarn is the parody of magician’s patter, thick with half-completed gesticulations. You’re entranced by the show but only half listening, embarked on your own campaign for his personal space. Your stratagem of slow encroachment is not particularly subtle but nonetheless highly effective: he drops an arm around your waist, hand resting on your bare thigh.

Roxy: super soakers?

John: oh yes.

Roxy: pump action?

John: okay, the eyebrows again, wow.

John: anyway, everybody compromised on couches, so dave and rose started alchemizing to achieve The Perfect Couch.

John: it kind of turned into a war of escalation, with dramatic betrayals and leaked schematics and five year plans and everything.

Roxy: a cold couch war

Roxy: cord ward couch

Roxy: cowd coed watch

Roxy: oh f it just ignore me

John: i guess they must have reached a truce eventually. either that, or they ran out of places to put more couches. we’ll never know!

You move to ensconce yourself in his lap, and he has no choice but to allow it. Not that he’s protesting; he’s taking the opportunity to experience the texture of your skin and the weight of your hair, to breathe you in. It’s like he’s never touched a girl before. Tee hee!

Roxy: so which one was the winner

John: everyone has their favorite, depending on location and color and so on, but the most comfortable couch is widely agreed on.

Roxy: its gotta be the one rose and kanaya zonked out on

Roxy: srsly no one coulda slept through your scrap with nubbs

Roxy: barring the use of tranquizizers

John’s hands are tracing your cheekbone, the curve of your ear, your chin, your mouth. You part your lips and move them against his fingertips, just for the joy of touch. The situation is unbearably volatile.

Fuck it, you’re a scientist.

Roxy: lets subject it to the madrigogs

John: the what?

You eagerly duck through the adjoining door. However, the space is already occupied.

Dave and Jade are reclining in a posture which makes it less than obvious who is comforting and who is being comforted. They’re murmuring to each other in halting, somnolent tones; it’s obvious they’re settled in for the night. You withdraw to the hallway without disturbing them.

You guess Rose must have a black magic hairdryer, or something? You figure the sofa’s probably not still soaking wet. Hopefully.

You suggest taking the party to John’s room. John is fine with that, but he explains that it’s not so much his room as it is the room his stuff ended up in when Jade moved him in. Most everyone just crashes on a sofa in one of the common rooms, except Karkat and Gamzee, who presumably retire to their slime pods (or maybe they share one; John isn’t too clear on the details.)

The room in question is usually only occupied on movie night, which everyone else calls “B-movie night”. You’re okay with turning on a movie and John knows one for just this occasion.

* * *

John leads you downstairs to a narrow room arranged around an aging television. The movie is an awful one about an angel who falls in love with a human woman. You’ve never heard of it because it’s not the kind of film anyone in their right mind would preserve for posterity, but it’s got a soundtrack that screams “makeout time!” so you’re doing that instead of turning it off.

It turns out that John knows upwards of thirty percent of the words to “Iris” and he isn’t too embarrassed to sing along. His voice is untutored, but not unpleasant. You curl up and actually watch the painfully awkward love scene together. After the girl gets hit by a truck, John throws himself at you again, just barely damp-cheeked and sniffly.

You’re engrossed in making out for a while. Neither of you really know what you’re doing but John’s a natural. He kisses slow and sweet and cherishing while the world gently falls sideways. You’ve entangled both hands in his dark hair; his are mapping your body. When you start making little kisses from his collar bone to his ear, he bravely cups your right breast.

He’s tense like he’s afraid you’re going to run away, or maybe tell him to stop, so you reward his temerity by pushing him off. You reach back to unhook your bra under your shirt. This is a task you can perform one-handed, in the dark, and drunk, which is how you perfected the procedure.

Sometimes it’s just too much trouble to change into pajamas. By “sometimes” you mean “after the third martini” which translates to “pretty much every night” if you go to the trouble of working out the math.

The bra comes off with a little wiggle and ends up under the coffee table. This time you’re the aggressor and John goes down without a fight.

He leverages his hands, wrapped around your waist, to position you over his hips. You appreciate that it’s no effort for him at all; chalk it up to hammerkind. You giggle deliriously down at his burning blue expression. He’s trying so hard to be serious and failing so delightfully.

You’re hovering over him supported by your outstretched arms so he has to reach up to kiss you. When you stretch down to nibble at his neck, he laughs and squirms and licks your ear lobe. Your skin tingles feverishly hyperaesthetic, which must be a symptom of the human disease called love.

Last time you felt this way you had pneumonia and your temperature was up around 104.

John: the first time i saw you i wanted to kiss you, roxy.

John: okay that’s a lie, the first time we met you kind of ran over me in your sleep stupor.

John: you probably don’t remember it so i should have just said something about how beautiful you are.

John: oh my god i’m a fucking idiot.

John: you’re incredible, rox.

Roxy: shut up and kiss me you huge f’n dork

John’s hands find your bare breasts under your shirt. He brushes a thumb across your nipple as you lean back in to distract him with soft little bites, making a show of enjoying yourself.

Reclining on an elbow frees the other hand to wander against his chest. Unlike his hands, the skin over John’s ribs is smooth. You consider this an improvement over the man on the television, even though part of you realizes that boys get hairier as they get older and thinks that’s okay.

John’s holding you firmly against him with one hand on your lower back. His fingertips catch against the erect tip of your breast. The soft sounds you’re making against his mouth urge him to sit up and pull your shirt up and off, breaking your lip lock. Your hair falls in tangles around your neck. John’s face is so close that your eyelashes brush his cheek.

One limbic system stretches between you like a hard wired tango, one diaphragm rules your chests, and you’re filled with a sense of awe that approaches religion.

It suddenly doesn’t make sense that people aren’t drawn to each other like magnets, that the slow grind of the continents is not caused by the gravity that exists between human beings, throwing up mountains when two individuals converge.  It doesn’t make sense that alone is a word with a conceptual niche.

It is the rankest cruelty to grow up without human contact.

Your hand wonderingly smooths his unruly eyebrow, ruffles his eyelashes, trips lightly to the end of his nose. He covers it with his own, much larger, and holds your palm against his cheek, kissing along the edge of your hand until he can taste your fingerprints. He closes his lips around two fingers and slowly, intently, pushes them out of his mouth. He draws a wet circle around your areola with your own hand.

John dips his head to nuzzle the curve of your breast. You tear at his neck, teeth marking your need on his skin in incoherent braille. You feel his tongue flick across your nipple. Your legs tighten around his hips and propel you upward against him to curl around his shoulder. Your face is hot and buried in his hair while your nails make little homes in his skin. His mouth gently explores your topography, visiting your breasts, your stomach, your side.

A spark could set you aflame. Each nerve he brushes adds its alarm to the cacophony in your spine. You could breathe if only you could remember how to exhale.

John reaches across and the world is upside down, now, because now he’s on top of you, his hips pressing into yours and riding up your skirt. Your sensitized breasts are callously abandoned in the press. You shift inelegantly until you find the spot where he fits neatly between your thighs.

Your cheeks and chin and neck are sticky with kissing but you can’t get enough. In a wild way you’ve gotten possessive, marking each other for your own use. Your hands are pulling off his shirt and pushing themselves down the back of his pants; his is sliding up your thigh and stretching the elastic of your pink panties.

Your hips levitate all of their own will. You’re grinding against each other desperately. He’s hard up against you, conveying the force of need better than he can express with the fragmented remains of his vocabulary.

The sensation reaches a crescendo of positive feedback that wipes out the rest of the room and institutes you and John as the only living beings in the Ring.

When John comes up for air, he’s flushed, breathing with parted lips, watching you through fine black eyelashes rimming eyelids heavy with pleasure. You can’t look away. His pacific eyes mark your involuntary response to one knuckle stroked along the damp streak on your panties.

He joyfully devotes his attention to making you writhe. It doesn’t take long; you’re already at the precipice. When you choke on his name, he plants a kiss on your trembling lips and moves down to bury his cheek in your short ribs.

John: this game has maybe a thousand different endings. how did we end up here?

Roxy: maybe we got it right

He’s asleep before you can get your shirt back on. His weight is a welcome blanket over your pelvis, your cold toes squirming to be crushed under his legs. Your palms rest on his back, fingers spread, as though you could catch him and keep him here while the rest of the world shivers itself apart.

Roxy: maybe this is the good ending

* * *

_when everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am_

* * *


	7. Epilogue

You awaken to the sense of being carried up the stairs. Your toes trail along the walls; the draft down your shirt tells you that your bra is still under the coffee table. It can’t have been more than an hour or two since you fell asleep.

When you reach the darkened door, John sets you down on your feet next to Jane, who looks like she’s been here all night. Barefoot and huddled into his side for warmth, the height difference between you is accentuated.

A soft sound behind you alerts you to newcomers. If your hair is anywhere as gloriously tousled as Jade’s, it should be immediately obvious to the casual observer what you’ve been up to; Dave takes a look at the blasphemous ruin you’ve made of John’s neck and miraculously keeps his mouth shut. Behind them, Jake stumbles through the door, a little worse for wear, guided by an overly solicitous Dirk. Rose and Kanaya don’t show up until the crater is already regaining its color palette.

The world is cold and still at the moment of sunrise, a green flash that forces itself through your eyelids and takes an age to drain away.

Rose: There’s no going back. The way is shut.

Rose: This is where we draw the battle lines.

You drift inside a long hour later. Karkat’s making pancakes.

After breakfast, mimosas are served in the War Room.

.

###  Chapter 7: Epilogue x2 Combo

.

John: rox.

John: do you mind if i ask about the marks on your legs?

Roxy: its not the askin i mind

Roxy: its the telling

John: did you do these, roxy?

Roxy: ill tell you baby

Roxy: but not 2nite

Roxy: nitey night u wonderful idiot boy

John: sweet dreams, you beautiful crazy girl.

* * *

Terezi: 1F YOU B3L13V3 H4RD 3NOUGH 1N 1M4G1N4RY TH1NGS,

TH4T M4K3S TH3M SL1GHTLY L3SS F4K3!

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John, you cheeseball: [“Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls – City of Angels soundtrack](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5u30d6GKkk8)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who stuck it through! I am honored that my vision of the epic family reunion has been the instrument of your entertainment, if only for a few hours. Feel free to leave your feedback in the comments or drop me a note in my tumblr ask box. I welcome any and all derivative works, so if you are inspired to add to the story (no matter your medium!) please send it my way! You can find me on tumblr at [blueraspberrybubblegum](http://blueraspberrybubblegum.tumblr.com)!
> 
> * * *
> 
> Acknowledgements (because I am a huge dork):
> 
> Andrew Hussie, for building this house and populating it with real people.
> 
> The Homestuck fan community, for turning an internet full of strangers into an internet full of family.
> 
> [schellibie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/schellibie/pseuds/schellibie) for her inspiring talent and attitude, and also (with [urbanAnchorite](http://archiveofourown.org/users/t_ZM/pseuds/urbanAnchorite)) for The Serendipity Gospels and other fanworks that informed the shape of the relationship between Terezi, Karkat and Gamzee.
> 
> [VastDerp](http://archiveofourown.org/users/VastDerp/pseuds/VastDerp), because I adore him, and also because he brought me to Homestuck.
> 
> My amazing boyfriend, without whose support and love this fanfic would not exist. Someday if he loves me enough I’ll get him to read Homestuck, but for now he’s subsisting on my own work. Silly boy.
> 
> And finally, thanks to you, the reader, to whom I dedicate this work.


End file.
